Rant on the 15th of January

[15/01, 8:02 p.m.] Bukola Dosumu: Man last week wasn't funny sha. Really hate I had to go through that whole paranoia and emotional stress again just because of a situation
[15/01, 8:02 p.m.] Bukola Dosumu: Got hold of things and handled it okay but it was stressful and incredibly draining
[15/01, 8:03 p.m.] Bukola Dosumu: This new week will be better. Incredibly mentally exhausted. I feel myself just regressing and shutting down on some level that's the it way I can deal with it now.
[15/01, 8:03 p.m.] Bukola Dosumu: Situational trigger.
[15/01, 8:04 p.m.] Bukola Dosumu: Because whether or not he is dating someone else is inconsequential and it's definitely not the same as the Gori situation
[15/01, 8:06 p.m.] Bukola Dosumu: Trying not to complain as much just push through. Complaining won't solve anything. Going through this same stage same situation of wondering hoping praying expectations, managing emotions. The cycle is incredibly vicious and leaves you in complete shreds. Everyone.
[15/01, 8:07 p.m.] Bukola Dosumu: Everytime. And I'm getting incredibly angry and fed up of it that I have to be in this situation. There's really nothing to be done except make the most of it.   But that's not going to solve anything. Two weeks ago I was fine sleeping well and just generally okay then this happened.
[15/01, 8:10 p.m.] Bukola Dosumu: It's normal and expected that I'd feel this way it's not totally left field and it's okay. I live in an era where at this age it would be incredibly difficult for any woman and it's amplified by social media as well. My aunt and I talked about this.  But I can't let it control me. Or stop me from living my life and all. So I just have to really manage it. It won't always be okay or fine. But just to make the most of it. Recognise the blessings of where I am now.
[15/01, 8:12 p.m.] Bukola Dosumu: Preached today that the spirit is incredibly important in handling these things. The strength of your spirit is crucial to handling these things. At least I take some comfort that unlike last time when I pulled away from God etc and was so angry etc and just went off and did my own thing. Now I have to lean in.  Trust God for my business and just do what I can and do my best. For my mum for God to just come through and just deal with life in general.
[15/01, 8:13 p.m.] Bukola Dosumu: Right now I can't find my hearing aids and I'm trying not to panic and trust God that I'd find it eventually. Have to recognise the progress I've made since Nov last year when I nearly had nervous breakdown. It's very possible that's going to happen again and I have to be ready.
[15/01, 8:15 p.m.] Bukola Dosumu: The problem with counselling is I will have to unpack every emotion everything and it's very inconvenient for lack of a better word. Because I don't really want to worry my mum it's not like that I would be back together again. Something like a week to recover from just telling a streamer the story all the way from the beginning. If I had has a therapist since then okay but to start now. That's just long. Not ready for that
[15/01, 8:15 p.m.] Bukola Dosumu: But it is well. It's a case of get your crap together buy some ice cream go for a movie and keep it moving.
[15/01, 8:18 p.m.] Bukola Dosumu: With time I'd stabilise. It really does feel like God isn't listening or isn't hearing me at all. At least not for the last ten years or so concerning this situation.. Honestly but I just keep praying as I don't know what else to do. Like he just helps me with healing and the aftermath but even that I'm beginning to question that is it just a matter of timing healing everything or is it God don't even know. The only thing I can thank God for is I'm not in a bad or abusive relationship or marriage or gotten pregnant or stuck with some douche and I want divorce.
[15/01, 9:46 p.m.] Bukola Dosumu: Just going to focus on just bettering my spiritual growth and God and stuff
[15/01, 9:56 p.m.] Bukola Dosumu: As per the trigger/paranoia and all that but I'm alright

Week of sunday 15 jan 2017

Where am i

so now we have the monthly lows... Period cycles.

This past week i have had to learn about what it means to be emotionally independence.. didn't realise i would struggle seriously with this. but here i am.

I will talk about this in a minute.

i want to try this blogging/diary entry again

so i can review later

lately i've been feeling like i've missed my window (Don't know how)

at this age.. thought i would be married/engaged or at the very least in a serious relationship going towards that end.. ideally i wanted to be pregnant by 28 and then start motherhood circa 29.. lol we plan and God laughs.

I understand that everyone's paths are different and each person's is different and we really should appreciate where we are at this point in life. each season will have it's own challenges.

The problem with not being where you want to be is the problem of unmet expectations. which unfortunately we then put on people who are most likely to meeting them.. when that shouldn't be the case.

now i realise what happened and why i have been feeling the way i have lately. esp with S

to be honest sometimes i don't know where we are going or if there' sany point doing this.. giving/making effort

other times.. i see it.. it's good. this is something good. something worth investing in to grow.

unfortunately the last  months and a half..  has thrown us off course. seriously.. with the business stuff and then the health challenges. and i sit to myself what's the point of sticking with the guy through this.. does he even appreciate me being there (Doesn't feel like it sometimes tbh)

others feels like ahaa this si he reason why i'm here

anyway s

so this brings me back to why i started the post to begin with..

i guess i was starting to feel a bit broody lol for marriage/kids my own family. see so many people starting off their own lives.. and i'm not sure where i am.

- Thankfully i've got a job for after NYSC... not sure re: pay and all pending medical reports by God's grace all goes well.

so i don't really know what to do or think. will pray about it.

but i am glad i am able to recognise that the down mood is on my own and not from anyone else and it's up to me and God to sort it out...

Day 1

I had a hard wake up call this morning...

I will write more about it in the evening, but the purpose of this blog is to journal and do things the right way, and hold myself accountable. Emotional wise.

Unfortunately I have let the fear of my past and my insecurities crop up and cost and damage something good.

and i need to reassess and change a few things.

update. I was in a situation where i messed things so badly. it was really just the grace of God that would help me on that front and somehow he did and quicker than i expected.